America's Leading Expert House Guest

I would like to respectfully submit that I am one of America's foremost experts at being a house guest. I calculate that I have spent nearly two non-consecutive years staying in the private homes of other people all over the world, but primarily in the United States. This does not include times that I house sit or sublet and the owners are not there, which would add another year. I am talking only about staying in the guest room of gracious people who open their home to me.

In the absence of well-circulated ettiquette books on the subject, I shall now endeavor to impart my wisdom on the art of being a house guest.

A quality house guest is keenly aware of her impact on the rhythms of the household and strikes a delicate balance between staying out of the way and adding value. For example, one should offer to help with meal preparation, but step aside graciously if the host prefers to present the meal without your involvement. On the other hand, pay attention to the chores that need to be done, and pitch in without being asked.

Throughout your time together, offer witty and interesting stories but make it your primary goal to hear the host's story and see the world from their point of view. While you are in their home, you may have a lively debate but you do not need to convince them to join another political party or religion.

Do not expect the host to entertain you at all times or fulfill your every wish. They will need to check in on their real lives, which is a cue for you to go away and entertain yourself for awhile. This is why I bring a good book, a Diet Coke, a small snack, and a warm sweater for cold bedrooms.

Before you part ways for the night, be sure to ask how to turn off the lights and how the shower works. I have spent many a late night trying to find a light switch in a rewired basement. I have also found that every shower has a story: pull this handle, open this drain, don't let the water leak out here, the fan switch is in this remote corner by the window, and don't use this towel because we dry the family dog with it.

A true test of house guest etiquette is in the use of the bathroom. Always ask when you may dominate the bathroom at a time that it does not inconvenience others. Even if you have your own guest bathroom, the water heater may not be able to handle two people taking a shower at the same time.

Please contact me if you have further questions. Alternatively, invite me over and I'll show you how it's done!