The bank

I belong to one of those banks that was bought by another bank during our last economic downturn. I've been using that branch of that bank since I first moved to New York almost seven years ago. The old bank was friendly, and that's why I chose it. The tellers stood behind small podiums with hardly any physical separation between them and I. Over the years, we chatted and I got to know them.

Then the bank was bought. The new owners of the bank took out the podiums and made one big sturdy desk with bulletproof glass continuing to the ceiling. All the tellers were now behind the desk, behind the glass. The tellers who had chatted with me for six years have not looked me in the eye or talked directly to me since the wall of glass went up. These are the exact same people doing essentially the same job but in a new environment. 

Environment directs behavior, if you let it. How is your environment affecting you?

Now Boarding on Track 4

One of the realities of living in different places all the time is that I take different routes "home" all the time. Last week I had lunch with a friend by the World Trade Center, and then took the train out to Hoboken, NJ. Since I've never done this before, I read every sign to make sure that I got on the right train. There was a sign near the track, a sign on the front of the train, and a sign over each door to the train. They all said Hoboken. I got on. Business people filled the train, headed home from work. You can tell when people are on their usual route because they don't read the signs and pay very little attention to their surroundings. They know where to go. They are on autopilot.

It turns out, they should have read the signs. Just as the doors were closing, the conductor announced "this is the train to Hoboken" and there was a general rush to get off the train. Apparently that track usually has the train to Newark. They assumed that this train would go to Newark. They did not read the signs.

Sometimes autopilot is helpful. In this case, it wasn't. If things in your environment change but you are on autopilot, doing what you always did, you end up in Hoboken when you wanted to go to Newark. They could have stayed on the train, insisting that track four always has the train to Newark, but they would have ended up in Hoboken, still wondering why they weren't in Newark. We all know people like that. We've all been that person, whether or not we've ever ridden a train. Be honest, what part of your life needs to be taken off autopilot because the behavior you've always done just isn't getting you where you need to go?

You can change the channel

Sometimes when I enter a shared space where a person is watching television, they tell me I can change the channel. They say it as an aside as they appear to be engrossed in something else. Even though they aren't watching, I find that they don't mean that I can turn the television off. I've actually tried it a few times. It plays out like a British comedy.

"Why is the TV off?"
"You said that I could change the channel."
"But I didn't think you'd turn it off."
"Oh, sorry, were you watching it?"
"No.That's why I said you could change the channel."
"So I can change the channel but not turn it off?"
"Right."
"So you weren't watching it, but you want it on?"
"I just need it on."
"You're willing to have it on any programme that I could possibly choose out of 500 channels, but you're not willing to have it off?"
"Right. Could you please turn it back on?"
"I don't know how, there are too many remotes."

I'm not saying that all television is bad. I watch a couple shows online. I also don't go around turning off other peoples' televisions uninvited. I just don't understand why it's on when no one is watching it. Television is designed to attract your attention, even if you're "not watching it." How do you have a sustained set of thoughts when the television pulls away your focus every few minutes? How do you create your own reality when you are so involved in the "reality" of the characters on television? How do you hear the still small voice of God over the laugh track?

Perhaps it is time for you to "change the channel" on your television habit.

Between Goodbye and Hello

I seem to have something in common with Mary Poppins. Of course I insist upon good manners and live out of a bottomless suitcase, but there's more. Let me explain.

I recently choreographed Hello Dolly at a Lutheran High School in Queens. I had no previous connection with the school except that  the choir director went to college with me. When their first choreographer resigned due to a death in the family, she contacted me to choreograph the whole thing in less than three weeks. So I did. In the process of teaching teenagers from Queens how to waltz, I had the privilege of being a small part of their community. What I saw was everything a high school musical should be - committed adults encouraging teenagers to take a risk and explore their talent.

As I walked away from the school after the opening night ice cream party, I realized how often I join a community, invest in it with passion and purpose, and then leave. Just like Mary Poppins. I challenge young people to work hard and pursue excellence while they sing and dance. Just like Mary Poppins. I hope that the people whose lives I touched continue to bond together, even after I have gone on to the next adventure. Just like Mary Poppins.

A life of adventure is full of excitement: new people, new places, and new experiences. It is also a litany of saying hello and saying goodbye. Between the hello and the goodbye, Mary Poppins and I truly enjoy the people we meet and do our best to have a positive impact. Between the goodbye and the next hello is when Mary most needs Bert, that consistent friend who is connected to her throughout life's journey. I am thankful for my "Berts". Without you, this would not be possible.

You, Learn Something New Every Day

"You learn something new every day."

Usually the expression is used right after someone has been proven wrong or exposed to truly unbelievable information. It conveys either surrender, surprise or a combination of the two.

I put a comma into the phrase and take it as a direct command. "You, learn something new every day."

OK, I will.

I check books out of the library and read them during my commute, stop to read historical markers on old buildings, arrange long conversations with interesting people, figure out a new route between here and there, eat an unfamiliar food, attend an art gallery opening on the spur of the moment.

And now I pass along the advice: "You, learn something new every day."

America's Leading Expert House Guest

I would like to respectfully submit that I am one of America's foremost experts at being a house guest. I calculate that I have spent nearly two non-consecutive years staying in the private homes of other people all over the world, but primarily in the United States. This does not include times that I house sit or sublet and the owners are not there, which would add another year. I am talking only about staying in the guest room of gracious people who open their home to me.

In the absence of well-circulated ettiquette books on the subject, I shall now endeavor to impart my wisdom on the art of being a house guest.

A quality house guest is keenly aware of her impact on the rhythms of the household and strikes a delicate balance between staying out of the way and adding value. For example, one should offer to help with meal preparation, but step aside graciously if the host prefers to present the meal without your involvement. On the other hand, pay attention to the chores that need to be done, and pitch in without being asked.

Throughout your time together, offer witty and interesting stories but make it your primary goal to hear the host's story and see the world from their point of view. While you are in their home, you may have a lively debate but you do not need to convince them to join another political party or religion.

Do not expect the host to entertain you at all times or fulfill your every wish. They will need to check in on their real lives, which is a cue for you to go away and entertain yourself for awhile. This is why I bring a good book, a Diet Coke, a small snack, and a warm sweater for cold bedrooms.

Before you part ways for the night, be sure to ask how to turn off the lights and how the shower works. I have spent many a late night trying to find a light switch in a rewired basement. I have also found that every shower has a story: pull this handle, open this drain, don't let the water leak out here, the fan switch is in this remote corner by the window, and don't use this towel because we dry the family dog with it.

A true test of house guest etiquette is in the use of the bathroom. Always ask when you may dominate the bathroom at a time that it does not inconvenience others. Even if you have your own guest bathroom, the water heater may not be able to handle two people taking a shower at the same time.

Please contact me if you have further questions. Alternatively, invite me over and I'll show you how it's done!

The Bookshelf

When I arrive to stay at someone's home, there is usually either a note or a person there to give me a small orientation. At the end of it, they often say "make yourself at home." I think they probably mean that it is OK to use their pots and pans. I take it to mean that it is OK to read their books.

I love to look at people's bookshelves. Even if I brought a book with me, I can't resist looking through the books in the space where I am living. Back in the days that I was subletting my apartment to other people, I often received comments from subletters about my great collection of books, so I know that I am not the only one who does this. By looking through a bookshelf, I learn more about the person who lives there and his or her interests. It is almost as if that person introduces me to their favorite ideas and authors without even being in the room. While in other peoples' homes I have read everything from The Lovely Bones to Zen Buddhism for Dummies to The Biography of Ben Franklin. I could probably read the entire Harry Potter series without ever carrying around a book since everyone seems to have it. I even associate certain places that I have lived with the books that I read while I was there. In my mind, the place takes on the character or mood of the book. There is also the delightful pressure of having to finish it before I leave. Even though some of my hosts would probably let me borrow a book after I am no longer staying in their place, there is no need to do so. There will be more great books in the next location.